The Culture of the Fatherless

"Tonight, about 40 percent of American children will go to sleep in homes in which their fathers do not live. Before they reach the age of eighteen, more than half of our nation's children are likely to spend at least a significant portion of their childhood living apart from their fathers. Never before in this country have so many children been voluntarily abandoned by their fathers. Never before have so many children grown up without knowing what it means to have a father."

-David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem


Fatherless in America- so many young ones are, through broken homes, illegitimacy, or whatever reason. One of the videos I chose for my conversation class is "Nobody's Home," by Avril Lavigne. (Please dont shoot me or brand me an Avril fan. I'm really nothing of the kind!) The reason I chose this song is because of its use of the Present Perfect to describe the recent past and also the Present Continuous tense. The words are clear and not too difficult to understand. Also, Korean high school kids think she's some kind of a goddess. They watched in awe and silence, nobody speaking a word during the video. I admit, it was a bit unsettling. When I asked them if they've ever known any kids who tried to run away from home, they said, "Never." So we had a little culture lesson, and we discussed what it means to "run away from home," to "feel lost inside," to "be all over the place," and other various idioms. All the while I'm getting close to tears, coming to the full realization of the damage that single parent families inflict on children. Too many know what it means to come home and find that nobody is there. Mom is working and Dad couldn't couldn't care less about my existence. These kids grow up with this reality imprinted on their hearts and minds: Nobody's home. What is it breeding? For about 30 years we've been unraveling the fabric of family in America, and it has birthed a whole new generation adults who live hand to mouth, an increase in crime and violence, a culture of divorce, and a people who unconsciously feel aimless and lost. The way the feeling of abandonment translates into our culture is destructive to relationships across the board.

If you have a minute, please do read the article that is linked to the above paragraph. One thing that the writer makes clear is that young men are increasingly reluctant to make the investment that is required to be a father. I say that even deeper than that is the lack of courage to commit to the woman he loves and the children they produce together. We now have to coax husbands and fathers through legal means to give some kind of financial support to the women they promised to spend forever with and the children they had through that union or ouside of marriage. We may, by law, require a man to give financial support, but we will never be able to require the physical, emotional, and spiritual support that the abandoned child so desperately needs. A healthy society should be grieved at what this author calls the "deculturization" of paternity. We must do better.

When I was living in Tulsa, I'd be hanging out at my boyfriend's "ghetto" neighborhood apartment and he used to have some of the neighbor kids running in and out of there, playing on his piano, his guitars, pressing their noses to the sliding glass door and calling his name, .."Are you busy?" ....Some of these kids were from the same mom and different dads. To my shame, I remember thinking from time to time, "Why does he bother with these kids touching all of his stuff and running around his apartment?" But I started to understand that these children have no father in their lives, at least not a regular one. No one pays attention to them. There is no man who affirms their existence, plays with them, or tucks them in at night. Why shouldn't they be so eager for anyone willing to pick them up and acknowledge that they are there? We must get past our selfishness to care for the orphan, the stranger, and the widow. These are the marks of a compassionate people.