Butterflies

Brahms Requiem, a glass of wine, the windows wide open, what a lovely evening. Contacts out, chunky nerd glasses on. I had a boyfriend last year who hated my black-rimmed glasses. Now I wear them whenever I please, which usually ends up being after a long day at work. Tomorrow is June, which begins summer on my calendar. On this last day of spring I am reflecting upon the past three months that I have been living in Korea. Let's see... what can we surmise so far?... I have a great job, but I do not enjoy teaching. And while most of the time I've felt far too fragile, I must be getting stronger. In the first month I found myself reaching instinctively for a cell phone that wasn't there, reaching for arms too far away and too occupied to hold me, reaching for any sort of distraction from my new life here. I wanted to disappear. In emails and phone calls from friends I tried to hide the fact that what I was really saying was, "Please find five minutes for me. I'm here on the other side of the world, and I feel so small." You'd think it was the first time I'd been away from home... Maybe it's the first time I've been away with a heart no longer able to be stonelike. I don't have any use for masks anymore. Pretty soon everyone figures out that they're just paper faces anyway.

So I get this email from American Express with a title in huge bold letters: Share the Love. "Adding someone to your American Express Account can do wonders for Any Relationship." Wow, I had no idea. ;o) Has this romantic spring burst even fiscal love into bloom? Could it be? Can we buy relational wonders now? I know the dollar is getting stronger, but surely, it can't be that strong. Alert all the American girls you know: American Express now buys dates with John Mayer. I wonder what the interest rate on that one would be? :o) My time in Korea has bought me one indispensible relational secret- the pain and power of resolve. Being far away from all that is familiar, you have ample opportunity to see how myopically you've been living. You're finally able to say those things that you weren't strong enough to say before, things like: Please dont kiss me like that unless you intend to keep me. or I don't want to play anymore. or I'm no longer afraid of being with someone else. or You may not recognize me when I come back.

A conversation between me and my co-teacher today:

"Jay, where are the butterflies?"
"The what?"
"The butterflies. Do you have butterflies in Korea?"
"Yes, of course."
"Where are they?"
"It's not easy to find those things."

He's right. If he spoke better English, we would have had a very metaphorical discussion following that observation, but he continued to moniter the students' homework while I stared out the window.

Take all your big plans
and break 'em
This is bound to be awhile...