Spiderman

I don't understand how Spiderman is cool. I mean, I wouldn't say that he's uncool, but I just don't understand him. Girls don't like spiders or webs or anything there related. How can Spiderman be sexy? Wouldn't he be much cooler if he had a power like flying, something completely independent from the art of web-making?

I was forced to kill a spider for myself the other night. It was a monstrous one, with a large center, possibly poisonous. One never can be too sure about these things. My first step towards killing this vicious beast was to call my mom on the phone.

Me: Mom, there's a giant spider here in my room and I need you to come and kill it.
Mom: What? Do you know what time it is? I'm in bed.
Me: But it's a huge one way up high in the corner, and...is that the TV? Are you watching TV? You're not in bed!
Mom: I am NOT coming over there to kill a spider! You go get a broom from the garage and poke at it from a chair. Goodnight!

Phone call #2. was to Spiderman himself. Though I knew he was much too far away to kill the wretched beast, I needed his advice. This Spiderman is a strategist, I tell you. He said that first I need to secure something sturdy to whack it with. I found some newspaper. Then we brainstormed about what was in the house that could be used to kill the *whisper* ...spider... and what I should do if in fact it fell to the ground still alive and tried to escape. He reminded me of my dominion over the animals of the earth. Upon his suggestion, I found a chemical spray. With the pledge and newspaper in hand, I climbed atop a chair, all the while calling loudly and desperately upon Almighty God. I hate spider-kind. I started spraying the Pledge can, and what do ya know, but that damned spider started walking towards me on the ceiling! Could he not read the determination in my eyes? I sprayed continually until finally after a minute or so, the spider fell to the ground in a fit of convulsions. I hoped that its nervous system had been completely destroyed, (Do spiders have nervous systems?) but the beast tried its best to scurry across the carpet. It was then that I met his body with a devastating blow from my newspaper. I called all parties concerned to inform them of my victory and sat down mostly relieved. I say mostly, because I always get this creeping feeling that spiders are vindictive creatures and that somehow the anger of the other spiders has been aroused.

A dozen white roses arrived at my door today with a card that read, "I hope you're having a wonderful day off," completely unrelated to the spider incident, but very much related to the Spiderman previously mentioned. He does know how to brighten the day of the unemployed ;o) And thus continues the legend of Spiderman, elusive but ever sweet. All my days are days off lately. Yes, I'm still looking for a job.

And now I leave you with a quote from Aeschines Socraticus. I'm not a huge fan of reason, and I have several friends who would shoot darts from their eyes at me for saying such a thing, but sometimes reason brings light to passions that shroud themselves in the mysterious cloak we commonly refer to as 'destiny'.

"Unless you come to believe that there is no better man nor worthier woman on earth you will always still be looking for what you judge the best thing of all- to be the husband of the best of wives and the wife of the best of husbands."