Cathartic Wednesday

Wednesday evening. My co-workers are so patient. God bless them. Seriously, I had it out with them today. We talked about all the miscommunications, the times when they make me feel like an animal in a cage, situations and meetings for which I cannot find a reason- all hatched in the eastern mind and completely unfathomable to me, how the previous foreign teacher and I are so very different, and how I seem to be discovering that ESL teaching is really not my thing. It was such a healthy discussion. I apologized for how immature I can be from time to time. I'm still learning to leave personal problems at home and not let them leak into my attitude at work. I'm far too emotional, and I think that my students and co-teachers notice that. At least they know that I know that it's a problem and that I'm working on it. We are all now a little more well-known to each other and a little less like characters from a never-ending story book about public high school in Asia.

Came home, had a beer, a grilled cheese sandwich, some oreos, and then hopped in the shower. I love my daily shower(s)! The activity of showering somehow embodies renewal, transfusion, regeneration, and redemption all in one. Shortly thereafter I spoke with my oldest and dearest friend on the phone, ate an orange, emailed another foreign teacher about an agreement to rent/share my apartment on the weekends, and now I'm going to bed early. This week I've taken a liking to sleeping early and then getting up while it's dark to have coffee in the stillness of the morning. It helps to focus and internalize the fact that: I am not what I do. I am who I am and what I do is a reflection of that.

He's too stoned...Nintendo.

Because I was awake extremely late last night with a bout of insomnia, I came to school this morning as perhaps a bit of an american twit, wearing bubble gum pink pants, a jean jacket, and gum to hide the coffee breath. I've been told numerous times by my english speaking Korean friends that I will never understand the Korean mind. I gave up trying to be one of them seven years ago. Everyone stares at me anyway, so I might as well dance around at the crosswalk on my way to school and give them a real reason to be looking. At 8:10 I have a class for the smart kids who want to study english three times a week far too early in the morning. To be clear, it's not of their own volition but rather by request of the program director. Put this native speaker to work! ;o) They encourage me to do creative culture lessons, so this morning I gave them a real winner. American Hi-Fi sings a song called "Flavor of the Week." I assume we're all familar with the lyrics....
"Her boyfriend, he dont know anything about her. He's too stoned. Nintendo. I wish that I could make her see. She's just the flavor of the week." and on it goes. The lyrics are fairly clear, easy to understand, and replete with references to American culture.

Because of the lack of availability of weed in Korea, the students were unfamiliar with its effects. I briefed them on exactly what the American government thinks of marijuana and what high school students do anyway- where, when and how. :o) I actually had to draw the leaf on the board, because they didn't know what I was referring to. Good times in the classroom today. Mondays are always my best days, because I've had the weekend to rest. Seoul is the third largest metropolitan area in the world, following Tokyo and New York, and living in Asia can be extremely stressful for a westerner. Weekends are a necessity. My kiwi friend came over for dinner and spent the night saturday. Then it was cocktails at noon on Sunday followed by an afternoon of shopping. Later I visited the only english-speaking church in my area and it was a bit too tame and proper for my taste- made me feel like going home to play untame music and paint my toenails.

No school for me friday because of midterms. Woo! Another short week.

I don't want to wear slippers!

Friday finally. Because I am the only foreigner in my school, and because I try not to go out much on the weeknights, it usually happens that I am with only Koreans all week long. When friday rolls around, I start to feel noticeably edgy and worn out from all the cultural differences. This friday it doesn't help that I'm also PMSing and feel quite dangerously on the edge of anger and/or tears every 15 minutes. During such times it is really better that I stay home alone, which is yet another reason why I am hoping to work from home someday in the near future. A self-employed woman is never her co-worker's worst nightmare. Hasten the day!

I'm supposed to wear slippers at school, but sometimes I don't because I forget to change my shoes or the slippers just don't work well with the rest of what I'm wearing or I just don't feel like it. Today my co-teacher says to me, "Don't you have other shoes you can wear at school." I reply, "Why, yes, I do." He says, "Why don't you wear them?" I say, "Because my pants are too long and I need to wear tall shoes today." He says, "You should have shoes that you wear only inside the school." I asked him why, and he told me that it's because we are trying to keep the floor clean. Already feeling quite edgy, I said, "The floor is filthy, and no one cleans it. The entire school is filthy. Every day I go home and hop in the shower because of all the dirt. Why should I have to wear slippers inside when it's already trashed?" He replies, "Because you must wear different shoes inside." This just doesn't make any sense. Maybe it makes sense to the eastern mind, but I don't know how. It seems to me that they don't care about the reason, just as long as well all do the same thing. Same. Same. Same. Someone rescue me! I need to go home and go to bed. ... by way of the Pacific ocean.

Let me mention one cheerful thing, so no one freaks out and thinks that I'm only critical ;o) I don't have to go to school for the better part of the first week in May. The students are having midterms, and I'm not involved in their grading or their paperwork. To tell you the truth, I think I'm kind of here for show, mainly to promote interest in English. The other teachers discourage me from giving homework or making the students work too hard. The reason is because they students never do the homework, and then it makes them look bad. Everyone here is all about trying to protect each other from looking bad. They filmed a short video with me in it, talking to a group of students gathered around me. They kept nodding their heads, pretending to understand. Then they told me to put on my best teacher face and they shot a bunch of pictures. Sometimes I feel like an animal in a cage. From time to time people will come into my office and just stare at me and point and laugh. Man, if they didn't pay me so well, I'd out of here in a flash.

Meet Merlin

My cat arrived Saturday on the afternoon train. I was early to pick him up, so I decided to have cheesecake and a latte at a nearby Italien restaurant/coffee shop. I slipped into one of the corner booths, hoping to have some quiet time to gather my thoughts before the rest of the weekend. I was startled by the shouts of a ten year old boy walking past my table, "Sunglasses, pretty! Sunglasses, pretty!" This is a bizarre thing that happens nearly every day I'm in Korea. For some reason, they always shout this same thing, if I'm resting my sunglasses up on my head. Later on when I was shopping with one of my friends, they said the same thing to both of us. "Sunglasses, pretty!" I have no idea what the novelty is... I see Koreans wearing their sunglasses this way all the time. I remain clueless. The same child walked by a few minutes later, shouting, "You stupid! You are stupid!" Cheesecake is a bit of a misnomer for what arrived on my plate. It was more like fluffified cake with a cheese flavor. Still edible, so I wasn't complaining. Halfway through my snack I hear wild exclamations of, "Miss Coppy! Miss Coppy!" and I look up to see a group of my students pointing and giggling. Koreans can't say the 'f' sound, so they substitute a 'p' sound. I waved politely and they scurried off to their table. When my cell phone rang, it was the Canadian couple to tell me that they had arrived. I was more than happy to leave.

They called him Frank, but after spending an afternoon with him, I knew his name should be Merlin. He has the wildest eyes I have ever seen. Before his previoius owners left, he seemed quite well-behaved and very curious about his new surroundings. After they left, he started yowling like there's no tomorrow! He tore around the house, as if he were being chased by something frightful. My friend Rochelle came over and he refused to be held for pictures. From time to time he can be very affectionate, and I hope to train him to be moreso. Unfortunately, he takes great pleasure in clawing up my wallpaper and ratting my hair while I'm trying to sleep. I hide his toys at nighttime, so he won't make too much noise, but the fiendish beast is too smart for that! He finds them every time and begins a new round of bell-ringing at 5:30 a.m.

Merlin is the advisor to Arthur in Anglo-Norman legendry. The character was created by Geoffrey of Monmouth in his twelfth-century History of the Kings of Britain, combined with the Welsh traditions about a bard and prophet named Myrddin. Alfred Lord Tennyson makes him the architect of Camelot in The Idylls of the King. You can find the entire text here: http://www.sacred-texts.com/neu/tennidyl.txt

Graven in the oldest tongue of all this world,
"Take me," but turn the blade and ye shall see,
And written in the speech ye speak yourself,
"Cast me away!" And sad was Arthur's face

Taking it, but old Merlin counselled him,
"Take thou and strike! the time to cast away
Is yet far-off." So this great brand the king
Took, and by this will beat his foemen down.

amid these

It's a grey, rainy afternoon here in Bucheon, and I'm home sick. A wicked sore throat gripped me yesterday, and I couldn't sleep, nor swallow all night long. In the morning, after calling my Korean co-teacher to tell him I would not be joining them at school today, I popped a vicodin that I had left over from getting my wisdom teeth out. I passed out and slept until 2 in the afternoon. Sometimes you just know you'd get better if you could only get some sleep. Awake now. Went to the pharmacy, picked up the Korean version of Dayquil, some soup, and some bread. Nobody has to twist my arm to get me to stay home sick ;o) You won't hear me saying, "Don't worry about me- I'll be fine *cough,cough* Just dandy." Ah, no, rather, "... of the questions of these recurring; Of the endless trains of the faithless--of cities fill'd with the foolish;...O me! so sad, recurring--What good amid these, O me, O life?" (walt whitman)..."Could someone bring me a fluffier pillow, please?"

Celebrating 50 years of Burger Goodness

McDonald's turns 50 today! I must admit that I love McDonald's and that the birthday of this American icon makes me a little homesick. Whenever I go, I order the two cheeseburger meal. If I eat it fast enough, I can put the whole thing away like nobody's business. If I take my time, then somebody else has to eat the other burger. I worked for McDonald's once for about a week, but they fired me. Actually, I made so many mistakes that they were like, "Listen... uh, we'd like to give you the opportunity to go ahead and resign, if you would, please." That was the day that I was supposed to load the ice cream cones into the dispenser. The thing was spring-loaded and it crushed them all in a big mess. I worked there, because it was a block from my home, and I hated driving anywhere. I thought it would be highly convenient and not like working at all. What a big bozo! But even in all that, I love McDonald's and will eat there at least once every month and a half to two months for the next 50 years of its corporate life, provided that I'm at home in the States. They just don't do burgers right anywhere else...

Courting the Muse: Sir Philip Sidney on Blogging

Sir Philip Sidney (1554–1586)

from Astrophil and Stella

Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show,
That she dear she might take some pleasure of my pain,
Pleasure might cause her read, reading might make her know,
Knowledge might pity win, and pity grace obtain,
I sought fit words to paint the blackest face of woe:
Studying inventions fine, her wits to entertain,
Oft turning others' leaves, to see if thence would flow
Some fresh and fruitful showers upon my sunburned brain.
But words came halting forth, wanting Invention's stay;
Invention, Nature's child, fled stepdame Study's blows;
And others' feet still seemed but strangers in my way.
Thus, great with child to speak, and helpless in my throes,
Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:
"Fool," said my Muse to me, "look in thy heart, and write."

sea weed soup

Lunch: Sticky purple rice with salty sea weed papers, sea weed soup, some kind of seasoned clams, fried kimchi, and a little plastic container of liquid yogurt. Most people finish off their meal with a little bowl of water that has been sweetened by clumps of rice in it, but I choose black coffee from the little machine on the counter. American blood gets the better of me.

They will not allow us to use the heater in our office, because some of the lights were flickering on our floor yesterday and they had to send some students home. There is no logic in the request for us not to use our heater. We've been using all the time since I've been here and the lights never flickered. My guess is that there's something wrong with the lights themselves. (These lights are in the classrooms far away from our office)...
I taught my English Listening class today with the help of Annie Lennox ("Waiting in Vain") and Daniel Bedingfield ("If You're not the One") which has personal significance for me. Here's a clue: Next time do not choose songs to which you are personally attached. It's like inviting strangers into your living room for tea ;o)

Tonight: Tuna melt, work, shower, candlelit teatime, sleep.

Gum-Chewing Gangsta!

I found out today that some of my students are afraid of me. One of the other English teachers told me that they are afraid, because I look so different and because sometimes they see me chewing gum. She informed me that it is usually only gangsters who chew gum, and the students have never seen their teachers chewing it. Why is their first reaction one of fear? Surely, they know I'm not a gangster. Conformity is so highly valued here that it breeds xenophobia. Yesterday I wore two different coloured socks. (The socks match, but the toes and heels are different colors, if that makes sense) The students were so confused. Some of the girls saw my socks, turned bright red, and asked, "Miss Coffey, why your socks.... why your socks different?" Because I don't care. Because the sky is blue. Because your mom goes to college. You've hit the jackpot. Choose your own reaosn for everything! Independent thinking is utterly foreign to them. They've never been taught how to choose or think for themselves. It seems that everything is about what the group is doing. That's fine if they want to be that way, but I don't want fear to be a byproduct of that. I don't want to be feared. I want them to feel comfortable with me, and I want them to obey me. That's about it. ;o)

Sunday I went shopping with my kiwi friend. Good times. We went all over the outdoor and indoor markets of Dongdaemun. She bought clothes. I bought a tank top that ended up being too small, a pair of mis-matched socks, and silver hoop earrings. I've never worn hoop earrings before, because I thought it might look too J-Lo. Yesterday I wore them to school, which probably added to my gangster-like qualities. I guess Korea is an easy place to reinvent yourself, whether you want to or not.

chisels

I saw a woman throw up after getting off the subway yesterday- just spilled everything out onto the platform. Do you ever see someone vomit and wish that you could throw up on the inside, just spew out all the pain and poison? There's such simplicity in how the body reacts to toxins. To the best of its ability it immediately flushes them out. How is it then that our hearts are made to embrace such complexity, too often internalizing the poisons we come across?

I wish I were far away somewhere, watching the sunset over a western sea. What comfort there is in watching our star drown in the ocean and melt like so much fiery ink, spelling out His faithfulness to us. His torrid, burning letters sear my heart and seal me for no other. The rhythm of the day wearing into night, the urgency of the light of morning, all steady a weary heart with the cadence of earth and heaven.

Why do you court the attention of the others and leave me here? Take a number, please. I will never be as pretty. I will never be nearly as fun as those who surround you. What heart-breaking shame there is to wait like a puppy at someone's heels, and yet a woman is made to love only one man and in the waiting cannot seek the attention of others who would so quickly devour. What kind of heart is made to permit such carelessness? Wisdom dictates patience. The Lord of Romance told me it was to be the other way around. He's always been there, faithfully waiting through our foolish days and whorish nights. I lay down in awe before such love and patience, and I set myself apart for the one who will choose me in the same way.

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I wrecklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them all wash away
Through another day
Another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To the One who sees past all I see
And reaching out my weary hand
I pray that You understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me

(jennifer knapp- "chisels")

saunatized

If you're not used to taking naps, they can be extremely disorienting. Beware. I must have slept for three hours! I'm really not supposed to work saturdays, but my school is twisting my contract in order to require it about every other saturday. I showed "Legally Blonde" and had them fill in the blanks of a worksheet I made. ;O) I taught them how to say, "Hey girls, this party is super fun!" Some kids got up during the movie and were looking out the window for several minutes. I made it pretty clear that if they don't want to be there, then they can leave. I don't care. Just don't do that. You've not seen stern until you've attended my class. You gotta be with these kids. At noon I went home. The rain pattered against my window like little toy hammers beating tiny plastic nails, while I hibernated most of the afternoon. I'm getting ready to brew up some barley tea. I drink that stuff like there's no tomorrow! I took a shower, not because I needed one, mind you, but because I wanted to be warmer... completely saunitized my bathroom. (made up a new verb, means to make like a sauna)

The saunas here are everywhere and very cheap. I hear that they're excellent, but I've never been to one. You do have to be naked in front of everyone, though, which I wouldnt mind so much as long as it's not in my neighborhood. There's no way I'm going to one around here and give wings to the chance that one of my 500 students could see me naked! Yikes. From what I've heard, western women have no problems going to a sauna, and nobody stares at you. Western guys however, now that's another story for reasons that a lady need not detail.

You know what song gets stuck in my head? "Invisible Touch" by Genesis. Reminds me of olden days. I've been eating an inordinate amount of grilled cheese and egg salad sandwiches alternately lately... Time to head out to dinner somewhere.

strawberry milk

I nearly threw up on the way to work this morning- the smog was absolutely unbearable. I'm not usually sensitive to pollution, but today it was like breathing sheer poison. I really tried to keep it down, because I knew that I didnt have a toothbrush at school, and I didnt want to have vomit breath for the rest of the day. The scent of bile isn't nearly as charming and fashionable as it used to be ;o) In my first class, I felt like I was babysitting high school girls so naughty that it threatened to ruin the rest of the morning. Thankfully, that passed with a soft scolding. Most of my classes are either all girls or all boys. I'm still struggling to know how to discipline these students. As I write this, my co-worker is yelling at two boys here in the office. I'm not able to communicate so clearly to them, so I have to use a lot of body language. They're exasperating, puckish at times, but most of all precious, and I want to be careful with them. One harsh word or even a look can dampen any spark of desire to learn and make them instantly feel foolish and small. I don't want that. Some of them are so shy that they are mortified if I catch their eye while speaking.

Every desk has a carton of strawberry milk and a pencil bag, often pink with teddy bears or pandas. One girl has a notebook that says, "Little Princess Plans." So impressionable and so eager to be accepted... my little ladies. Their pronounciation is abysmal, but I am careful not to make them feel ashamed. Most of them will never leave Korea and will never use English, yet it's my task to teach them conversation in hopes that they will be prepared for university. "Teacher, your eyes so big! I want your eyes." I make a motion of popping them out and tossing them to her ;o) "Miss Coffey, is that your real hair color?" No, my dear, it's dyed. "Teacher, do you have a boyfriend?" They want to know every little personal detail. Some foreign teachers are offended by this, but how can we know anyone if we never get personal? Today my lesson was about Personality Traits. As much as I'd rather be sitting around with them in pajamas, watching movies in fuzzy slippers, we have real lessons to do. "Teacher, what does passive mean?" I answer, "A passive person waits for others to act. Passive means not dominant, not a leader, not active. Someday you will meet some guys like this. " ;o) I'm entirely certain that they missed the significance of my parenthetical comment but they'll find out soon enough.

Another class before lunch. "Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the wall up with our English dead!"

Back in Korea

I flew in last night from Japan. I had to stay overnight in Fukuoka to get my work visa, and it was a lovely two days. I'm exhausted and sore and ready for an afternoon in my apartment. This morning I was awakened by my Korean co-teacher calling on the phone.

Him: "Sarah, this is Jay."
Me: *groggy morning voice* "Jay, good morning, how are you?"
Him: "Good. Can you come to school today? We plan lesson for monday."
Me: "No." *mind running, where am I? what country? who am I talking to?*
Him: "No?"
Me: "Um, Jay, don't you remember? I don't work saturdays. I planned all the lessons for the rest of the semester. Just drop by later and I'll go over the plan with you."
Him: "Okay. You take a rest."
Me: *riiiight...dont call me on saturday morning, EVER* "Sure, thanks, Jay."
Him: "See you."
Me: "Byebye" *back to sleep*

So monday I'm back to work now that I'm legal with my visa and everything. Going from west to east is the biggest culture shock I've ever endured. If I did everything they wanted me to do, I'd go out of my mind and lose my identity. I'm perfectly content being the outspoken American girl who my co-workers enjoy but don't quite understand. "What? You don't WANT to work overtime? But our principal would really like it if you would." ... "What? No Saturdays?" It's written into my contract, but they can't seem to remember. On a happy note, the food is sensationally spicy and always leaves my lips burning with with flavor....my apartment is a den of comfort and simplicty, very spacious and modern. I've met all kinds of interesting foreigners and we all bond quite instantly, if only to battle the chaos of work life in Korea. Things are definitely looking up, and I'm quite determined to have a good time.